Dearest parents, let us embark on a momentous discussion, as your child prepares to strut their stuff at their audition weekend. Brace yourselves, for what I'm about to suggest may shake the very foundations of your parental instincts. Are you ready? Here it goes: Stay in the car.

I can hear the gasps echoing through the minivans and SUVs across the land. "Stay in the car? But we've dedicated countless years to wiping runny noses, ensuring impeccable performances, and being the timekeepers of their stage appearances!" Fear not, for this is a test of your faith. Trust that you have raised a capable and responsible young adult, and let them audition solo.

Now, let me enlighten you with two pivotal reasons behind this seemingly blasphemous decree:

First, you have nurtured and guided your child, equipping them with the necessary tools to flourish. Have faith that they will shine in the audition room, without your constant supervision. You've got this, parents! It's time to unleash your progeny and watch them soar, like a slightly anxious, yet remarkably talented, bird leaving the nest.

Second, let us consider the perspective of the auditioning panel. Picture this: you march into that audition room, armed with an arsenal of questions. What will they think? Who will they envision attending their esteemed institution—your child or the overbearing parental figure beside them? Give your child the opportunity to exude independence, my dear friends.

I understand that you harbor a myriad of questions and concerns. Naturally, you want the best for your child. However, remember that the college is meticulously evaluating your offspring throughout the entire audition process. Being overbearing and encroaching upon their spotlight could cast a shadow on their chances of success.

But what's the big deal, you might ask? Well, the astute individuals sitting in that audition room are not merely deciding whether your child should secure a spot in their studio, in their ensemble, and ultimately admission into their school of music.  No, they are seeking a future colleague—a maestro who can grace the hallowed stages of the Philharmonic, someone who can expand their network of musical aficionados. They yearn for a symbiotic professional relationship. Should you undermine that first impression, your child may miss out on entering this coveted realm of opportunity.

If my persuasive powers have not swayed you thus far, allow me to illustrate the dire consequences that may befall your meddling ways inside the audition room:

• Your child might be compelled to undergo remedial work to rectify the unfortunate first impression you've made on their behalf. Cue the agony of extra hours of practice and soul-crushing reevaluations.
• Their dream studio or college may issue a resounding "no," leaving your child without their coveted first-choice. 
• Brace yourselves for the rarest of all nightmares—yes, it's a horrifying thought—the school could rescind your child's scholarship or, dare I say it, even the acceptance offer. Gasp

Now, I hear your cries of despair, wondering how on earth you will get your burning questions answered if you're stuck twiddling your thumbs in the car. Fear not, dear parents, for I present you with some ingenious solutions:

• Utilize the parent-student visit(s) to the fullest and bombard them with your queries. It's their duty to provide answers, after all.
• Summon the admissions office or engage in spirited conversations with the music department's wise advisors. They possess the knowledge you seek.
• Prepare your child beforehand, enlightening them with the questions they should ask. Empower them to make informed decisions about their collegiate future.

I empathize with your predicament, having walked a mile in your orthopedic shoes. I understand that what I'm asking of you may seem like a daunting task. However, remember that you now possess the knowledge of what is truly in the best interest of your child. So, muster your courage, clasp your steering wheel with determination, and stay in the car.

Picture yourself, seated comfortably, perhaps sipping a latte or engaging in a gripping audiobook, as you wait outside the audition venue. It's a moment of tranquility amidst the chaos, a chance for some well-deserved respite. Embrace it, dear parents, for this is your time to shine as the ultimate guardians of cool and composure.

And fret not, for there are other opportunities to be involved in your child's journey. Attend their performances, cheer loudly, and shower them with support from the audience. Be their unwavering fan club, their entourage of adoring parents. Just remember that when the auditions roll around, it's time to play your supporting role from the confines of your trusty vehicle.

In conclusion, dear parents, I implore you to relinquish the reins of control, trust in your child's abilities, and embrace the audacious act of staying in the car. Your child is a rising star, ready to embark on their own path towards success. Let them spread their wings, soar to the melodious heights they are destined to reach.

So, take a deep breath, unlock those car doors, and release your child into the audition room with a knowing smile. Stay in the car, knowing that you've done your part in nurturing their talents and instilling the confidence they need to thrive. And who knows? Maybe, just maybe, this act of comedic proportions might find its way into the hallowed pages of The New Yorker. One can dream, right?

Stay in the car, my fellow parents, and witness the magic unfold.

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